Winning Entry from Daphne Woll Shapiro, Destiny vs Free Will

Destiny vs Free Will

“Your destiny could arrive sooner than you think!” (Source: Anita, the Online Psychic Facebook Application)

My destiny has already arrived.

It came in the form of an all-you-can-eat Pig Feed at the local Portuguese Immigrant Society Social Hall during which I enthusiastically and singlehandedly consumed an obscenely overflowing plate of oink prepared from multiple (and in some cases, unspeakable) pig parts.   I did it one sitting, in the space of less than 30 minutes.  I would have totally gone for seconds, but the buffet line was too long. You’re not looking at a football player here, by the way.  I am 53 years old and weigh 135 pounds.  I tend towards vegetarianism.

That said, if I were to deny the hand of destiny, there would be no other explanation for my behavior at the Pig Feed other than free will. In that case, I have no choice but to take full responsibility for the events of Saturday evening, January 23^rd, 2010, starting from the moment I got dressed, withdrew a $20 bill from ATM machine, drove to the Immigrant Society Social Hall and then turned that same $20 bill over to the nice Portuguese lady at the ticket table.

Wait a darn minute here.  No way.  Never.  I’m not that type of person. The only possible reason for what went down at the Portuguese Pig Feed is the intervention of The Master Architect.  I was following His Plan for me down to the last fried pork rind, Preacher.

The baffling part of this entire scenario is that I am Jewish and we are forbidden to eat pork – either by free will or divine design and I know it.  We also don’t have Preachers.  

But I digress.

The extrapolations to this are fascinating and possibly life-altering.  Is the consumption of three cake donuts in quick succession (two with chocolate, one with red and blue sprinkles on a white frosting base) ultimately a guilt free experience after all? What if it was already preordained by larger forces that I should find myself last Tuesday after work in front of the day old bakery shelf at the local supermarket?  Was the fact that I spent Saturday in bed reading back issues of the National Enquirer instead of going to the gym my divine destiny?  More importantly is my tendency towards shameless flirting simply a manifestation of cosmic forces beyond my control?  And believe me, I’m talking about really SHAMELESS flirting. 

I believe it is God’s Plan.  All of it and more. You believe so, too.  After all, what other explanation is there for perfectly rational people such as ourselves going off the rails with such predictable frequency? 

Only destiny explains it.  Problem solved.  Me?  I was just following orders, Sergeant. 

So go ahead and have yourself another pork knuckle or a cake donut or a wild affair. Whatever.  Go for it. Don’t bother fighting the universe.  It will only bite you back.

Daphne Woll Shapiro

Winning Entry from Daphne Woll Shapiro, Menopause

Menopause

My partner just told me that he read a really good book on menopause and suggested that I read it too. He thought it might be helpful.  I don’t understand why he felt that was necessary, after all, DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A PROBLEM? 

I didn’t think so. 

The truth of the matter is that my menopause was actually done and over with years before I met him.   What he thinks is a temporary hormonally induced aberration is actually the real me.  Oh well.  Full disclosure is for amateurs and people who appear on the Oprah show. That’s what I say.

And WHAT’S WRONG WITH OCCASIONALLY YELLING ANYWAY?  It sets up a vibration in the body which purifies and encourages healing. 

Wait a minute.  Never mind.  I was confusing yelling with Yoga chanting.  

But it was very sweet of him to care enough about me and our relationship to actually research the subject.  I will indeed go to the library and check the book out.  It will work perfectly as a giant coaster for my tea when I’m stretched out on the sofa bitching on the phone.

Daphne Woll Shapiro