How to date a werewolf
You’re standing around, minding your own
business, and suddenly out of nowhere you
meet someone. You talk, you flirt, you
exchange contact info.
The rest is history.
True Love.
It all seems so simple, unless of course, you’re
dating a werewolf. Then all bets are off.
In the early stages it‘s no big deal. The usual
course of the usual romance. So he’s not always
available, it happens. You write it off. Hey, you’re
not always available yourself - no red flags here.
But it gets harder and harder to avoid the topic of
why at least once a month, he is totally incommunicado.
Can’t get him on the phone, he doesn’t text, he doesn’t call.
Doesn’t matter where he said he was going to be, what he said
he was going to be doing. He’s gone.
It’s a little disturbing and sometimes very aggravating, but it’s
hard to stay mad for long. After all, the rest of the time he’s great:
sweet, playful, loyal. Waits for you at the end of the day, cuddles at
night. He’s pretty much the ideal boyfriend.
Eventually, however, the truth has to come out. Come on, people,
you’re dating a werewolf, how long did you think that discussion could
be avoided? There’s gonna be some crying and anger. It’s inevitable.
Nine times out of ten there’s a brief breakup, but then you’re back together.
We’ve all been there at one time or another. Anyway, what the hell.
Couldn’t be much worse than that other guy you were dating, the one with
the wife. At least this guy’s single.
If only it ended there. But let’s face it, dating a werewolf is a mess and it
just gets messier. I don’t care what werewolves do in the movies, in real
world it‘s not an exact science. That whole full moon thing is only part of
the equation. Under the right circumstances, anything can set them off, a
bright round light fixture, those nighttime solar globes in the garden, you
name it. You’re at home, in the middle of a great dinner, you’ve got the
candles going, you’re sharing a bottle of really good wine, and suddenly
without any warning, he changes over. Clothes start ripping, shirt buttons
pop off and embed themselves in the upholstery. Pants and shoes and
socks and underwear and watches and credit cards are strewn across
the floor. Not to speak of the coarse grey wolf hair which ends up
ALL OVER THE FRIGGING PLACE.
And that’s not the half of it. In the olden, golden days werewolves
usually lived in big isolated castles in the middle of the woods with lots
of loyal servants to clean up after them. No problem. Open the gate,
let down the moat, they’re outta there. But that was then. Nowadays
werewolves are everywhere, including in your apartment right now. And
they’re all alike. They stand by the window and howl, they scratch and
bite the furniture, they jump on the kitchen table and
rip up the left over rotisserie chicken you were planning to pack for
lunch tomorrow. They do this ALL NIGHT LONG. And romance? Forget
about it. Just put the sexy nightgown right back in the drawer where you
found it and break out the vibrator. That’s where its going tonight.
This all gets old really fast. So the main thing is to TALK ABOUT IT. Get
it out there. Be kind, but firm. Set boundaries. First order of business
immediately following this conversation: buy a leash. Any pet store has
them. For best results, I suggest purchasing the equipment together, as a
couple. Some folks get all S&M about it and go for the fancy choke
collars, others prefer the padded harness approach. But, whatever works
for you. The main thing is to work as a team and have a well thought out
strategy to get him out of the house and into the great outdoors as soon
as possible after the change.
All I want to say at this juncture is “chin up”. If your boyfriend is going to
be turning into a wolf on a regular basis, and you are going to have to leash
him up and stop at every fire hydrant in town, then let’s make a party out
of it already, OK? Life is short, stop obsessing. God has given you a
lemon - make lemonade. Better yet, let’s add some vodka and make it
a lemon drop. And while you’re at it, go ahead and get an outfit. A really
good one. I’m talking a tailored designer jacket, a tight leather pencil skirt,
stiletto heels. Invest in a string of expensive pearls and a vintage Hermes
scarf and you‘re in business. It’s the classic “walking a werewolf” look
for city dwellers. Impeccable. Above reproach. These are tough
circumstances and looking good helps, it really does. Of course, people
will talk - they always do. The same inane questions over and
over again like "Where did you get the wolf from?” “How do you fit him
in your apartment?” “Can you use a regular-size pooper scooper?”
The first couple of times out, it’s squirmy. Then you get used to it.
You have to. You’re in love with a werewolf, deal with it.,
Before you know it, it‘s dawn. They’re all about sausages and bacon
and steak at that point. There won’t be a lot of conversation in the
beginning, but after breakfast, over the dirty dishes, he’ll be remorseful
and apologetic. Plenty of tears and hugs and “I love you’s” Pretty typical
fare. Nothing to see here. Sorry about dinner last night, sorry about the
furniture. Later in the day he might bring you flowers, or a small piece of
jewelry, or maybe have a new couch delivered. Whatever.
Over the long haul, it’s very difficult to be seriously involved with a
werewolf. Not to say that there aren‘t women who won’t put up with this.
Some of these relationships last a lifetime. I say, “hurray for them“. But
for the most part, the werewolf/layperson combos just don’t have
significant staying power. The statistics back me up on this one.
Google it and you’ll see for yourself.
Let’s face it, In the end, you will leave him or he will leave you, it
really doesn’t matter either way. And after an extended period of
scratching around, you’ll end up happily ever after with a nice friendly
beagle or a lab, just like your mother said you would.
Daphne Woll Shapiro
